Category Archives: Marriage

Keep It Zipped

Charles' Scartlett Letter

YaVaughnie Wilkins posted the signs after she learned that her lover, Charles E. Phillips — president and director of the tech conglomerate Oracle Corporation and a member of Obama’s Economic Recovery Advisory Board — had reconciled with his wife, the New York Post reported.

Charles E. Phillips has a 10 year old son, has had an 8-1/2 year “serious relationship” with Wilkins, and is a “family man”.

That means he’s “loved” this woman almost as long as he’s had a son. Consider the implications of that.

He’s a creep, untrustworthy, etc.

Well, he’s worthy of something, social disapprobation and shaming.

Which is exactly what YaVaughnie did. For the wrong reasons, yea. But I’m begging and not feeling particularly choosie.

Read about her billboards.

Good Father

Fatherhood is manly
Fatherhood is manly

I’ve been surprised of late at the sources and volume of negative or, at best, ambivalent feelings towards fathers and fatherhood.

My wife is getting involved in the ladies ministry at our church and there was a coffee and tea get together Saturday morning. My wife was planning several errands for the morning and so I was left caring for young William. So long as we have milk pumped and bottled he is quite alright with me. More importantly, I’m willing and able and responsible, as I am his father.

I’m no superhero, nor do I have any special ability beyond the normal. I’m not much of an outlier in this respect, I believe.

Rather, I consider myself normal.

I’m a normal man who has taken responsibility for his family, his wife and their child.

I work to support them financially, bu my responsibility does not end at 5pm Friday.

I’m a father, not just a breadwinner. A father is so much more than a breadwinner.

I’m a diaper changer, a dish washer, a laundromat, a soft shoulder, a chauffeur, a burp rag, a comic, a stereo, a counselor, a pastor, a manager, a confidant, a firm hand. I am whatever necessary to ensure both the macro- and micro-progress of my family towards our goal of bringing more glory to God and achieving greater Godliness mutually and individually.

I am capable and willing.

I’m not expert or perfect.

For the men who don’t think themselves capable: grow a pair, man up, find your spine. You’re capable of what you choose to be.

For the mothers who haven’t tried letting go and letting dad: he’ll grow into whatever you lovingly and with support allow him become, including dad.

For detractors and cynics everywhere of every stripe: leave. You’re not wanted. Your words only condemn another generation to fatherless failure. Your ideas enslave millions more in the stifling mire of your small minds and minuscule dreams.

Mothers are not superior, and neither are fathers. Both are needed and necessary for normative growth in children. Both are prone to failure.

It is no secret, except to those remaining willfully ignorant and despicable for it, that mothers are as capable of abuse as fathers, and for societies failure to accept it, becoming frighteningly more common.

In fact, it is the union of the two fallible, failed, faltering parents, both the mother and father together, who are most capable of lifting each other beyond their individual limitations and shortcomings. Not to achieve perfection, but to achieve the greater potential of success in whatever goal they have chosen.

And isn’t that what we’re all striving for?

So father, free yourself of the false notion of your incurable frailty and seize the mantel of manhood and be a father.

And mother, relinquish the idea of fatherly failure and instead build up and encourage and then step back and allow the man in your husband to thrive as it fills out the form of fatherhood.

Whats Happening?

So . . . I spent some time browsing and have some news to share.

Iran is working on nuclear capabilities and has the neccessary nuclear material.Should we be worried? I honestly do not think we need to be worried about our own safety, but world politics could change. After all, India will be the first target.

We all knew this was comming, but Proposition 8 in California, the ammendment defining marriage as a man and a woman (not directly banning homosexual marriage) is being challenged in courts.Now let me get this right. Prop 8 was a Constitution amendment that passed . . . So, why are courts considering these cases? After all, Prop 8 is now basically the law of the land in California. The California Supreme Court may interpret the Proposition (scarry thought) but may not rule is Unconstitutional (because it is part of the Constitution). So, in light of this logic, what does the California Supreme Court think they can do?

Here is a very revealing quote from the article:

All three cases claim the measure abridges the civil rights of a vulnerable minority group. They argue that voters alone did not have the authority to enact such a significant constitutional change.

I am sorry, this just gets my blood up. If voters, the most fundamental part of our governmental system, do not have the authority to enact such legislation (more importantly, a constitutional amendment, than who does? Because, even though the legislature and courts have enacted similar legislation, they have done it outside their authority. All I can do is shake my head.

Change we can believe in has become change that always was.Obama, in a further effort to show his bipartisanship, continues to appoint Clinton and Democrat stalwarts. And the Republican party grows smaller.

Hey, there is some good news though. A disabled man in California who has filed over 400 suits against businesses for not totally complying with the American’s With Disabilities Act (not enough disable parking spaces, no hand rails . . .), has been barred from filing and more suits. The man would sue and ask the courts to fine the businesses $4,000 a day till the changes were implemented. So, your might be thinking, that is a little crooked, but he isn’t making anything off it. Well, it turns out that a lot of businesses were afraid of him and would settle out of court, earning him hundreds of thousands of dollars a year.

We all like being generous, right?Well turns out that the people that have managed our money for years . . . and years, are asking for us to be generous again . . . to the tune of $1 Trillion. Yep, we gave them our earning and investments, they screwed us over, and now they want more of our money so that they can somehow “get back” what we initially invested in them. On a side note, there is only $350 Billion left from the $700 Million bail out package. It is good that the money has gone to help . . .  to help . . . to help . . . hmm . . . that is funny, I don’t know what the $350 Billion dollars helped. Probably created another bureaucracy somewhere and is helping pay for salaries. Hey it could be anything seeing as there is no oversight board.

And lastly, Obama is already voting “Present” in high profile public policy.It seems that Obama does not mind changing our anti terror policy by releasing inmates from Guantanamo, but is wary of change when it comes to taking a stand on bailouts for under producing, over paid auto companies. Maybe if they made a better product their revenue might be better. Just a thought.

Thoughts on Marriage- Part 2 of Infinity

Great minds think alike, right?

I was mulling over different things about marriage and contemplating writing something, when I went to ipandora and saw that Matt had already beat me to it.

So while some of this may be similar, here are thoughts on marriage from the wife’s perspective.

I tell Matt I love him often. Telling him that is not enough for me, I have to think of ways to show him that I love him.

Sometimes that is very hard to do. Like Matt said, you realize how selfish you are in marriage.

I’m a pretty independent person, so it definitely takes some work on my part.

I have to consciously think of how I’m going to show Matt that I love him.

Sometimes that is by watching a movie I don’t think I’ll enjoy because he wants to see it. (and I found out that I did enjoy the movie)

Or by realizing that he has been working hard, too, and that some time playing computer games is what he needs to relax and unwind.

Also, it’s better to give him something concrete to do to help you, rather than just inwardly fuming over him relaxing when you are working. Don’t expect them to read your mind on what you need done.

This morning, for example, I was fixing Matt’s lunch. I had a jar of tomato sauce that I couldn’t open, so I brought it to Matt and handed it to him.

It was fun to watch the smile he got on his face when I handed him the jar. He quickly opened it, no problem.

Now, I could have stayed in the kitchen and pounded around the lid the end of a butter knife (this really does work, by the way) until I could open the jar, but I didn’t. Matt likes to feel needed and this was one small way I could do that.

He feels loved when I need him. Even if it’s just to open a jar of tomato sauce.

Then there was the realization that even a selfless act can be selfish if it makes him feel bad.

Matt has been sleeping by himself on the queen bed for months, and the other night, well, I guess he forgot he had someone to share it with now.

He was taking up a rather large amount of space and by the time I realized it, he was already fast asleep. (I envy his ability to fall fast asleep in two minutes…) I had just enough space and so decided to deal with it instead of waking him up.

Well, over the next two hours, he edged himself closer and closer to my side of the bed. I tried to gently push him back and he didn’t budge. So when it got to the point that I was about to fall off the bed, I took my pillow and a blanket and moved to the couch.

I didn’t wish to wake him because he had to be at work early and needed his sleep. However, I didn’t think about how he would feel when he found me sleeping on the couch the next morning. He felt horrible and would’ve rather had me wake him up.

If there’s a next time, I’ll have to think of some ingenious way to wake him up. [evil grin]

So there are lots of lessons to be learned in marriage, and I know I have just barely scratched the surface. The next 50 years should be interesting, so stay tuned for updates! 🙂

Thoughts On Marriage (part first of many)

I’ve been married a week and a half now, and it’s still kinda surreal.

I left my ring home one day and it wasn’t until my wife texted me asking if I was missing something that I realized it was not around my finger.

Knowing I’m going home to her, getting to share my evenings, nights, mornings, and weekends with her, that is something very new for me.

I’ve been a bachelor living alone for nearly a year and a half, and it takes some getting used to.

I can’t just pop in a movie (which I didn’t do too often) or turn on a computer game (which I did more often) or lose myself among 20 articles online whenever I please. My life is suddenly and irrevocably at anothers leisure.

I’ve realized I’m a very selfish person. Nothing quite like a spouse to hold an intensly focused mirror on myself.

Not that these are second thoughts, they are observations. Change, even good, is hard. And I’m one who generally moves and flows well with change. Apparently not as well as I thought.

Marriage is work, and we’re still barely out of the honeymoon.

The benefits. Learning to communicate more directly and preemptively, that’s a big benefit. My wife is very willing to please me and do things I want, so long as I let her know what I need or desire. But not ever having had to ask anyone before has ingrained a strong habit of independence.

This is especially hard for me because I don’t consider myself to have lots of needs that need regular fulfillment. I get a lot of joy and fulfillment from filling her needs and doing things she wants to do. But she gets joy and fulfillment from meeting my needs too. I’m not very aware of my needs and so I have difficulty letting her know.

The cool thing is that I love her. I love her deeply and truly. She is beautiful and wonderful and my very own princess.

And so even when I get frustrated at myself for not knowing what my own needs are she so deeply wants to fulfill, a little patience and understanding works to keep our love strong.

And now I have a family. My own family.