Thoughts on Marriage- Part 2 of Infinity

Great minds think alike, right?

I was mulling over different things about marriage and contemplating writing something, when I went to ipandora and saw that Matt had already beat me to it.

So while some of this may be similar, here are thoughts on marriage from the wife’s perspective.

I tell Matt I love him often. Telling him that is not enough for me, I have to think of ways to show him that I love him.

Sometimes that is very hard to do. Like Matt said, you realize how selfish you are in marriage.

I’m a pretty independent person, so it definitely takes some work on my part.

I have to consciously think of how I’m going to show Matt that I love him.

Sometimes that is by watching a movie I don’t think I’ll enjoy because he wants to see it. (and I found out that I did enjoy the movie)

Or by realizing that he has been working hard, too, and that some time playing computer games is what he needs to relax and unwind.

Also, it’s better to give him something concrete to do to help you, rather than just inwardly fuming over him relaxing when you are working. Don’t expect them to read your mind on what you need done.

This morning, for example, I was fixing Matt’s lunch. I had a jar of tomato sauce that I couldn’t open, so I brought it to Matt and handed it to him.

It was fun to watch the smile he got on his face when I handed him the jar. He quickly opened it, no problem.

Now, I could have stayed in the kitchen and pounded around the lid the end of a butter knife (this really does work, by the way) until I could open the jar, but I didn’t. Matt likes to feel needed and this was one small way I could do that.

He feels loved when I need him. Even if it’s just to open a jar of tomato sauce.

Then there was the realization that even a selfless act can be selfish if it makes him feel bad.

Matt has been sleeping by himself on the queen bed for months, and the other night, well, I guess he forgot he had someone to share it with now.

He was taking up a rather large amount of space and by the time I realized it, he was already fast asleep. (I envy his ability to fall fast asleep in two minutes…) I had just enough space and so decided to deal with it instead of waking him up.

Well, over the next two hours, he edged himself closer and closer to my side of the bed. I tried to gently push him back and he didn’t budge. So when it got to the point that I was about to fall off the bed, I took my pillow and a blanket and moved to the couch.

I didn’t wish to wake him because he had to be at work early and needed his sleep. However, I didn’t think about how he would feel when he found me sleeping on the couch the next morning. He felt horrible and would’ve rather had me wake him up.

If there’s a next time, I’ll have to think of some ingenious way to wake him up. [evil grin]

So there are lots of lessons to be learned in marriage, and I know I have just barely scratched the surface. The next 50 years should be interesting, so stay tuned for updates!

Thoughts On Marriage (part first of many)

I’ve been married a week and a half now, and it’s still kinda surreal.

I left my ring home one day and it wasn’t until my wife texted me asking if I was missing something that I realized it was not around my finger.

Knowing I’m going home to her, getting to share my evenings, nights, mornings, and weekends with her, that is something very new for me.

I’ve been a bachelor living alone for nearly a year and a half, and it takes some getting used to.

I can’t just pop in a movie (which I didn’t do too often) or turn on a computer game (which I did more often) or lose myself among 20 articles online whenever I please. My life is suddenly and irrevocably at anothers leisure.

I’ve realized I’m a very selfish person. Nothing quite like a spouse to hold an intensly focused mirror on myself.

Not that these are second thoughts, they are observations. Change, even good, is hard. And I’m one who generally moves and flows well with change. Apparently not as well as I thought.

Marriage is work, and we’re still barely out of the honeymoon.

The benefits. Learning to communicate more directly and preemptively, that’s a big benefit. My wife is very willing to please me and do things I want, so long as I let her know what I need or desire. But not ever having had to ask anyone before has ingrained a strong habit of independence.

This is especially hard for me because I don’t consider myself to have lots of needs that need regular fulfillment. I get a lot of joy and fulfillment from filling her needs and doing things she wants to do. But she gets joy and fulfillment from meeting my needs too. I’m not very aware of my needs and so I have difficulty letting her know.

The cool thing is that I love her. I love her deeply and truly. She is beautiful and wonderful and my very own princess.

And so even when I get frustrated at myself for not knowing what my own needs are she so deeply wants to fulfill, a little patience and understanding works to keep our love strong.

And now I have a family. My own family.

We Said It Before, We’ll Say It Again

California Proposition 22 stated:

“Only marriage between a man and a woman is valid or recognized in California.”

Sounds clear and unequivocal to me, but apparently perversions of a sexual nature tend to affect the linguistic comprehension ability as well.

In November 2000 the measure was approved by a resounding majority of votes, 61.4%, a landslide no matter how you look at it.

I was involved in the debate over Prop 22 due in part to my participation in a debate/speech class at the local Junior College during the Fall 2000 semester.

California is often considered a Socialist state, but when you get down to serious issues, there is a significant and vocal Conservative, Classical Liberal, and Christian population which have and will be mobilized.

When the California Supreme Court swept away the true voice of the people in June by declaring the words of Prop 22 invalid, the fire was lit once again.

A ballot iniative has been submitted again, with the exact same wording as Prop 22 because it is strong and unquestionable, despite what the California Supreme Court claims.

Prop 8 has received an incredible level of support across the state, submitting nearly twice the number of signatures needed to quality for the November Ballot.

The presidential contenders have weighed in on this critical issue: Barak Hussein Obama is against it and for Homosexual Marriage, while John McCainis for Prop 8 and supports Real Marriage.

Those who would expand the government and silence the vote of the people filed a lawsuit to block this initiative, which was just denied.

JPennStar: What is your take on the pulse of the people regarding this initiative? Is it generating the buzz that existed for Prop 22?

Work hard. Pray, but don’t stop just with that. California needs to be pulled back to it’s mooring once again.

Dead Sexy

In a previous article, Priorities Of Preservation, I discussed the importance Christianity puts on the entirety of an person: body, mind, and spirit.

While the world, in a misguided and myopic view constrained by sin, only really cares for the preservation of the body. And through ignorance, loses the whole person.

In a report released last week which most have already heard of or commented on, it was noted that 1/4 of the US Teenage Female population is infected with one of several Sexually Transmitted Diseases.

The immediate cry was that Abstinence Education must be completely abandoned and further explanation of the ins and outs of safe sex be taught to every child.

I find those making that argument to be their own worst enemies, and I am determined to sit and watch them tear themselves apart trying to make sense of what they’ve said.

Better have a good belt to hold these sides in. The problem is, this is no laughing matter: peoples lives are at stake.
At the blog dbTechno (”Providing Science And Technology News Since 1996″) under the headline “Teens Having Sex, Getting STD’s Due To Lack Of Knowledge” (strongly caution) there is a small picture of three bikini-clad young women shaking their derrières before the camera. This was the picture Google had selected on it’s news aggregator to highlight the several articles on this topic this morning.

In our sexified culture it is considered “emancipated” for a woman to be so “comfortable” with her sexuality that she feels willing to flaunt her body either scantily clothed or free of clothes before the whole world.

I don’t think that it is a sign of a healthy self-image that women are willing and even choose to clothe themselves that way.

I am not for arbitrary requirements in clothing, but it is saddening that, younger and younger, we are compelling out daughters and sisters to choose between frumpy and scandalous.

Removing their modesty with bits of lycra and spandex.

Revealing their bodies for the eyes of all the world.

And then we worry that too many of them are having sex.

I think a healthy self image will result in true self-worth, where the woman will not feel compelled to dress “sexy” to get the approval and acceptance of others.

When a woman is dressing revealingly they are revealing their insecurity, not their assuredness.

The Florida Sun-Sentinel Editorial Board this morning published an article titled “Abstinence-Only Education Needs To Go” (no scandalous images here) in which they completely demolish their own claims, twice.

First, early in the article they lay claim to the moral high ground:

From here, it would be easy to play the blame game. But that would be unproductive. It doesn’t matter if you’re the pro-sex education or abstinence-only type, the statistics speak for themselves, and what matters most is that something be done to make our children more sexually responsible and safe.

And then, in the very next paragraph:

Let’s start with re-tooling the failed abstinence-only approach backed by the Bush administration. Let’s teach teenagers about contraceptives and other precautions that could help protect them if they are sexually active.

Yes, lets avoid the blame game, and lets look at the facts. The Bush Administration has indeed backed and supported an abstinence-only education approach, because no one who practices abstinence contracts an STD, no one. It make sense to back a winner. But how many education programs has the Bush Administrations policy actually affected? Good question.

I would be willing to bet that with state policy, and NEA policy, and DoE policy, there is precious little abstinence-only education going on in the public schools of America.

The article then goes on to make an astounding statement. I very nearly cheered, at work, when I read this:

Abstinence teaching has its merits. It not only promotes a sure-proof defense against STDs and unwanted pregnancies, but also the idea that sexual activity requires a high level of maturity and understanding. An adolescent who engages in “protected” sex prematurely may not run the risk of physical infections, but could be exposed to long-term emotional and psychological damage.

And then gets to the…

BOTTOM LINE: Place more emphasis on contraceptives and STDs in sex-education classes.

And they reached that how?

With this simple caveat they have attempted to justify their entire tortured argument, and by extension, rationalize their continued support for the torture of young minds and bodies with illness both physical and psychological:

Like it or not, half of the teenage girls in this country are already sexually active, according to the study. Something has to be done to make them wiser in their choices, or we soon could have an even bigger public health crisis on our hands.

Do they not see the cruel irony?

Because we’re a bunch hapless, helpless dolts who’ve bought the lie that children are capable of making their own informed decisions regarding sex and mature relationships.

Because we’re a bunch of laissez-faire non-present parental units who feel no particular responsibility to counter the culture’s claims that boys are animals and girls are meat.

Because we’re a bunch of lazy do-gooders who value intentions over actions and outcomes and are willing to allow our children to do whatever they please so long as it makes them feel good.

We will complete ignore what we already know to be true: that premature involvement in adult relationships, emotional and physical, will not only harm the body but will also damage the mind.

So long as we tell enough of them to use condoms, we are perfectly willing to let them hop into bed with any yahoo or floozy who comes along.

Yea, that’s advanced society and parental love for you.

See also:

The Condom Conspiracy: Sex, Lies, STIs and Teenage Girls - the evangelical outpost

While we have Planned Parenthood and sex educators claiming that condoms can “offer effective protection against most serious sexually transmitted infections” the report finds there’s no scientific basis for that claim.

STD Data Comes As No Surprise, Area Teenagers Say - Laura Sessions Stepp and Katherine Shaver in the Washington Post

The Marrow girls offered several reasons why teenagers have sex.

“It’s to fit in, peer pressure,” Christine said, noting that virgins are often mocked. Also, “sex sells on TV.”

Khadijah chimed in that some young girls found their inspiration in the popular R&B singer Rihanna, whose latest album is titled “Good Girl Gone Bad.”

But Christina suggested something closer to home. “Write this down,” she said. “Bad parenting.”

Blog Line Of The Week & What Did You Learn?

Considering the events of this week, perhaps the star line of the week is inevitable.

In The Point Blog, Stephen Reed writes in Marriage Opens Broad New Vistas:

After almost two years of marriage, I can’t claim to be an expert by any means. But one particular experience marriage presents is the opportunity, on a daily basis, to encounter another person’s view of life, and their reactions, and to see that your own ways of doing things are not at all inevitable for another person.

Something that has been growing on my as a realization, and hopefully a lesson learned (or learning, as is more likely) is the concept I’ve taken to calling “sharing life”. As my fiancee, American Texan, can attest I’ve used this term to describe the mental and emotional and physical aspects of being so deeply involved and invested in another person and their life as they are in yours.

I don’t consider myself a selfish person, but being as I have been, completely independent for  a year and rather so for several years now I am not used to taking others desires much into account in how I live my life.

Now considering marriage, soon, I’m seriously considering implications of “sharing life”.

So what lessons did you learn, do you expect to learn, hope to learn, from your first years of marriage?

And if you’ve had all three, how did they differ?